one more sandwich story when i was six my mum made me ham sandwiches and my friend had skin that was the same colour as ham and i’d feel bad eating it because it felt like i was eating her and i’d always leave over my sandwiches and my mum asked why and i was too embarassed to tell her the real reason so i told her i was vegetarian like my dad and to make that lie consistent ive been vegetarian for the past almost 13 years
few people know this but there are actually tiny geese trapped under your skin. when you get cold they think it’s time to fly south for the winter so they try to break free and the bumps on your skin are their beaks trying to break through.
trust me. i am a goosologist. i study geese. my wife is a goose. we have three beautiful goose-human hybrid children. don’t judge our love.
My dad and I were in a hotel and he tried the coffee and smiled and said “ahh, it’s like making love in a canoe.” and I said, “it’s that good?” and he stopped smiling and looked me in the eye and said, “no, it’s fucking close to water" before pouring it down the drain really dramatically and walking away.
so I’m at a gas station getting RED BULL AND THE GUY INFRONT OF ME IS TRYING TO GET CONDOMS AND HIS CARD GOT FUCKING DECLINED AND THIS LITTLE OLD WOMAN BEHIND ME WHISPEREd “he just got cock blocked by visa” I FUCKING SHAT MYSELF